I know, its been forever. Life has just been...crazy. Good and bad, a whirlwind. I really can't keep up. It's all I can do to hold on. I sort of feel like I'm in the middle of a tornado. Everything is a blur.

I keep looking back, you know? I remember those days when I could actually really feel something. My gosh, those days were glorious. Before the depression and the confusion and the fear and everything. Life was simple.

But, I took it for granted.

I mean, even a few years ago, I can remember how it felt to just let go. I was free. I could feel things. A song could make my heart soar. Every day was a new day, a new possiblity. The days were glorious.

My gosh. I can remember summer. I have so many good memories of summer. Playing tag in the twilight, and having my friend spend the night almost every night. And leaving the window open. And taking walks under skies that were completely clear. Heck, I'll be honest, back then, chick flicks made me happy to be alive.

That ever happen to you? I mean, just pick up some random, disney chick flick. Or, really, any chick flick. And, their worst problem is either an overprotective parent or some guy doesn't know they exsist, even though they adore his every move. But, they survived, you know? They had fun doing it. They looked great. They laughed. Maybe cried. They got the guy. They made peace with their parent. They lived and didn't regret.

At the same time, where is the tough stuff? I mean, it never changed anyones life to watch a chick flick. Or, well, depends on the chick flick. But still.

I dunno. I just was happy then. Maybe not truly happy, because I don't really think I was speaking with God, or trying hard to connect with him (not that its any easier now). But, still. I'd give a whole heck of a lot to have them back.

Well, thats all for now. Dunno when I'll be back. But, hopefully soon.

Josh

Early-Morning Amusement

Viruses, viruses, viruses. No, fun indeed. Sometimes I wonder why we pay so much attention to a virus on our computer, but not in our lives. Like, we spend so much time and energy trying to get it fixed, we pay money, or spend hours working on it when we are drowning in our own virus-like vices.

Gosh, its too early to be trying to think like this :P. I should be doing school right now. Blasted computer!

haha...anywayssss...

You know, I was planning on writing something uber hilarious the other day, but it seems like I've forgotten. Life comes at you fast, no?

Know what movie I love? Paris Je'tamie. If you've never seen it, you should. It's one of those random things that reminds me so much about how simple love really is.

For instance, there is this scene in Big Fish that I simply love. And if you've never seen Big Fish, go watch it. Now! But the scene, as bizzare as it sounds, is the main character laying submursed, fully clothed, mind you, in his bath tub. He is close to the end of his life and his son is exsasperated with all the wild, fabricated stories his father tells.

His wife arives on the scene, smiling down at him. He comes up for air and claims "I was dried out." The way she smiles, to me, just seems to accepting, so loving. Many people would be werid about that, and yet, she isn't.

Instead, she takes off her shoes and slips right in there with him. As...bizzare as it seems, that has always been a picture of real love to me: accepting and loving, even in the werid stuff.

Alright, I should go. I'll be back in a few days to write something actually amusing on here. :P

Josh

Hush, hush, baby
Thats just textbook stuff
its like the abc's
of growing up
-Speeding Cars, Imogen Heap

"I love him...but only on my own."

Let's get this straight. I've never seen or read Les Miserables and I've been wanting to. But, last night, I stumbled upon a video and feel completely in love with Eponine, a character who I feel for greatly.

Her tale is one of unrequited love, which I understand well, very well, actually. She is described as being not very attractive and she becomes very poor. She's placed in the middle of the man she loves, Marius who is fairly well off and in love with her adopted sister, and her adopted sister, Colette, who holds feelings for Marius.

Confused yet? :P

Anyways, she joins him to wait for her in the gardens and longs for him, while he longs for College. So, one night he gives her a letter to give to Colette. But she doesn't give it, for whatever reason.

In the end, she ends up taking a bullet for him and giving him the letter back, to give to Colette. She professes that she has always loved him, and that she is at peace now, knowing that she will no longer be in the way of their love and he grants her forgiveness.

So, I'm a little unclear on it all, but it really is a beautiful story that I think everyone can relate to. I guess its good for me, at this time in my life, just because I'm dealing with some unrequited love myself. But, that does sound oh-so cliche, doesn't it?

But, anyways, it really gets me thinking. Why do we want something we can't have? Something that may be potentially dangerous to us? I think, for me, I feel like I deserve some pain. Perhaps that's a form of self-mutilation...I'm not sure. Anyways. And, besides that, it feels nice to be in love, you know?

And love, has struck me as of late, as just being so unexpected. It pulls you in and suddenly, you're sinking in it and then its above your head and you're drowning and you may not even know why you all the sudden love this person. It's just so unexpected.

Sometimes, I think, its all about getting caught up in the dream. I've been seeing that a lot these days. Think of the hundreds, no, thousands of American Idol contestants that got caught up in the dream of fame, fortune and glamour only to have it crash down at their feet.

Or Nessarose from Wicked, who gets so caught up in her dream of being loved, and being beautiful and accepted and loved, that she starts taking away all the Munchkins rights, just so that she can keep the man she loves, a Munchkin who deceived her to please Glinda, who he loves, with her. And then, there is a moment when she stares herself in the mirror and asks herself what she's done and why she's done it.

The dream has caught us all, hasn't it? In its web of false hope and most of us are doomed. But, perhaps, there is hope for us all. I don't know the answer. And I don't know much of why we fall in love with who we do. I guess there are some signs. And yet, love, like real love...can be tragic. And that's beautiful, even though its tragic.

But, love is wonderful, in all its forms. It may hurt some times, but, most of the time, its worth it.

On my own- Eponine's main solo (from which the title of this blog is taken): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cuS1cCnG8xc

Strange and Beautiful by Aqualung with an accompanying fan video of Eponine (Not full song. Sorry...:[ And PLEASE ignore the creepy intro. The actual vid is spectacular.) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2YDnapsKVOo&feature=channel_page

The Doomed

Disclaimer:
So, I'm back with another short story type thing. This time, it is actually connected to a story that I've had in my head for a while. It is the tale of Elizabeth Frankenstien after she has been turned into a monster by her husband-to-be. She travels throughout Transylvania meeting up with classic gothic horror characters such as Dracula and Mr. Hyde. This story has been teeming in my head for a while, but it must wait along with two of my other stories that are nervously tapping their feet in the waiting room of my head. So, when I saw this picture, I flipped. It was so beautiful, so haunting, even in its...slight graphicness. So, if you faint at the sight of blood, do not look at the coming picture. But, yeah. I had to do something with this picture to tide myself over. So, yeah. Here it goes.


(All rights reserved to Bumblescutt, the artist. Found on deviantart.com.)

Drink me up, drink me up...

The blood called to her. But she could not let herself scumb to its siren song of lust and desire. She had to keep going.

The child in her arms wailed loudly, being only drown out by the sound of the rumbling thunder. Thunder... Her frightening eyes wandered through the forest and up to the castle not far off in the distance.

She knew what was happening up there. That wretched scientist enjoyed fooling around with the natural order of things. She hoped that he would die by lightning, considering that is how he brought life to the creatures he created. But he was the real monster.

"A monster like me..."She thought to herself. Temptation was a hard mistress to the girl that had never chosen the life of a blood drinker. It was placed upon her shoulders for one reason or another.

Her father, too, was a monster just like the scientist. He had wooed her mother, turned her into one of them and married her against her mortal will. Her mother bore a child from her mortal life and so it was that she was born, with her father's raven hair and her mother's beauty, which, because of her father, she would keep forever.

Immortality, she had learned quickly, was full of loss and lonliness, contrary to what most humans thought. For most of her life, she was locked away and taught that she was a monster, unacceptable, terrifying.

But she had rebelled. She escaped her father's grasp and the cold, dank, dark tower of Castle Dracula. And now, here she was, protecting a mortal child from the cold, cruel world around it.

The child shivered, and the vampire held it tigher to her chest, hoping to shield it from the cold winds which she could not feel.

"Sh...Sh..." She tried to quiet the child in vain. The forest raged around her, each tree dancing in the gale.

A scream erupted from the castle and it made the newborn cry even more. She clutched the baby and whispered comforting things to it. It was odd to her, that the immortal should be comforting the mortal, when it was the immortal that needed the comfort.

Lighting flashed, lighting up the fear in the vampire's eyes. Am I doomed to walk this Earth for enternity? A silent, absent tear rolled down her cheek.

Forever...is too long.

Fin.

So, there you have it? What did you think? I know it was kind of vauge, especially the child. But, I don't know why the child was there, or who it was. So, yeah. It was there. Maybe you can guess. I didn't name the vampire either, because I felt annyomity was good for the picture and this quick tale. So yeah, let me know what you think!

Of Black Swans

Disclaimer:
So this, just to give you some sort of idea, is the story of what happened after Swan Lake. Its a random idea, I know, but thats what it developed into. It follows the black swan and what you really don't know about her.It may end up being incredibly lame, and Mikeh will hate the picture so much. So, yeah. I apologize for both. Mikeh, try to stand it, okay? :P



Music starts playin like the end of a sad movie,
Its the kinda ending you don't really wanna see.
Cause its tragedy and it'll only bring you down,
Now I don't know what to be without you around.

And we know its never simple,
Never easy.
Never a clean break, no one here to save me.
You re the only thing I know like the back of my hand,
And I cant,
Breathe,
Without you,
But I have to,
Breathe,
Without you,
But I have to.

Breathe,Taylor Swift

I have always loved you...

My feet are flying under me. I cannot stop myself. I'm running from everything. From him. From them. From father. From me. Its taking all of me not to run out of my limits. My breath is heavy, and sweat is forming on my brow. My dark dress catches on one of the passing trees. I don't care. I allow it to tear.

Tearing like my heart. Tearing like my soul.

The memories are there, threatening to swallow me whole and never spit me out. I can't get his deadly smile out of my head and I can't forget the way he looked at me when he thought of I was her.

None of it matters any more.

Nothing means anything any more. I have nothing to go back to. No safe place to run. Home is out of the question. That place stopped being home a long time ago. Ever since father became obsessed with getting his way. Well...

The slits on my wrists are proof of the damage you've done.

I prompt myself to look, just for a moment at my forearm. The scars are nothing new and yet they still make me wince every time. They are memories of the past and every time, I can't help but think of it.

You can't save me.

My heart is beating; I feel as though I'm being followed. But father always had that sort of presence didn't he?

You've lost me.

I can't help but remember all the times when he yelled or beat me, just because I wasn't her. He hated me, he used me. He couldn't stand the sight of me.

"You look just like your mother."

The pain of the transformation was unbearable, at best. It was like all my childhood had gone away. All my hopes, my dreams, my happiness had just drifted away. Leaving me to be nothing more than an empty corpse.

"Will I be pretty daddy?"
"Pretty as the night."

Pretty as the night, ha. What a lie. I wasn't beautiful, and as far as I was concerned, I never would be. I was Odile, the horror-filled tragedy, the fairy-tale for children. I could imagine my story being told to the little ones before bed. And the parents would say. "Now, now, loves...We mustn't be like this, must we?" I would fade away, becoming nothing more than a tool to frighten children into submission.

Feathers as black as a cloudy sky.

Oh, no. He's coming back now. I had always loved him. From the first day I saw him, I did. His smile made my heart waver. His face was a face of the angels. I would watch him sometimes, from my dark tower. He would be there, in the courtyard of his castle practicing archery or swordsmanship. And he would laugh. That laugh...

If you would've asked, I would have ripped the heart out of my chest for you.

The way he smiled at me, during the ball. It was breathtaking, the way I always dreamed. He held me close and whispered things, the only problem was that he called me "Odette." I was reminded, as always, that he couldn't accept me for who I was. He loved me for her.

I can't be who you think I am. I cannot wear this mask.

Her...Odette, my twin. She was perfect in every way, wasn't she? She had the perfect hair, the perfect smile, the perfect everything. She was just right for him, for everyone. She just did everything perfect. While I, however, did not. I was the broken girl with two left feet, who seemed just to do everything wrong, all the time.

This is me. Can't you see that?

I reach the lake. Swan lake. How ironic. The place where it all began. Not too far, I can see the windows of the castle all lit up and can hear the happy music that its guests are celebrating to.

What a beautiful wedding...

But, its time. I cannot hold on any longer. I want him to be happy, even if its with her. They'd all be better off without a lonely, problematic girl to worry about.

Oh how inviting the black waters of death...

Without another thought, I plunge in, letting the cold water envelop me. I close my eyes, and drift into the darkness.

Goodbye, goodbye.

Fin.

So, what you think? That was my lame attempt at trying to describe some of the things I've been feeling as of late, but it sort of just drifted off into its own thing. Still, it twas a good venting tool.

Well, theres more to say, because there always is. But, that's enough for now, I think. I'll post later, in a couple days, with some thoughts and such.

Josh
How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand... there is no going back. There are some things that time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep, that have taken hold.
The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King, J,R.R. Tolkien

Loose Change

Let's face facts, life comes at you fast. Sometimes, its amazing how fast and its a wonderful things. Other times...not so much.

I guess, lately, I've just been realizing how quickly things can happen. I mean, this past...wow...half year(?) has been so different. It has changed me a lot, and, yet, not very much. Things are changing, and changing fast. I guess, sometimes change happens very slowly, but I think thats more our reactions to it. Change, in and of itself, happens very quickly.

Change scares me. I don't lie about that. I'm afraid of good and bad change, just because it causes discomfort, which I have enough of it in my life.

Really, though. Five or six months? Change has come. I mean, I'm not sure how its possible to get so attached and find so much love in just that short a time.

I have to stop. That scares the heck out of me. No lie. I'm terrified of loosing people now. I don't want to take off my mask. Because all of me...its too much. Theres so much that I'm hiding. So much pain. So much life thats been pushed down for so long. So much fear. So much worry. And I don't want people to run from that, because every time I let just a little bit out its like I get these stares from people and it hurts. It hurts to let go sometimes, so I clutch. I don't let go.

I'm not sure how one person can be so complicated and confusing.

Know what I want? I want to be venerable and honest and just me. But, that requires trust and I'm no good at trusting or surrendering.

I see who I want to become and I wonder if I'll ever become that. I want to be a Leslie Burke for everyone. Don't know who Leslie is? Freaking watch and read "Bridge to Terabithia" its awesome. Leslie is so full of life and love and magic and she just...doesn't care. Thats something I've always wanted.

I want people to come to my funeral and I want them all to have a story to tell. I want them all to say that I helped bring them back to life, I helped them to just love again. God, I want that. I want that so much. But...I can't be that some days. I can't be strong, because I'm not. I'm tired of carrying so much burdens and just fighting for sixteen years on my own strength.

Every time I stand up, I fall again.

But, thats probably what I want. I think I like being miserable, because its all I know. Please just pray. Just pray. I'm so tired. I don't know how to change or where to begin and I'm frightened that now will be like every other time. I'll want to alive again, and I try but then I get knocked down and can't get up again.

I want to just feel again. But, feelings are frightening. They lay you bare for all to see.

Why...? Why am I so afraid of letting people see my scars? Why am I so afraid of people rejecting me for the monsters I face everyday?

I don't even know anymore. I don't.

Christmas time confuses me. I used to love it. It used to never come soon enough and used to just be so magical. I mean, I can't lie, Christmas eve? Best night ever. So full of hope and magic and excitement.

And now, I'm nothing but an empty shell just because I'm scared, frightened. Please just pray that I'd be released from this and that I'd get my feelings, my hope, my wonder back.

Well, happy holidays! I don't know when I'll write again, but we'll see. Probably not before Christmas. So, have an amazing Christmas Eve and Christmas. May this year bring you lots of love, laughter and magic.

Because we all know this world is made of faith, trust and pixie dust.

Josh

I'll try
I'll try
To fly
I'll try- Jonatha Brooke

Two songs you must, must, must, listen to. Must.

Celine Dion- Taking Chances: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=86HprqVxumw&feature=related

Jonatha Brooke- I'll Try (one of my theme songs): http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=PZQEIXn-pko

A New Hope, A Broken Beauty

So, it's been a while I realize. A lot of things have been going on in my life.

Sunday night, I got the closest I have ever been to killing/hurting myself. Like, I had the knife in my hand as the tears were cascading down my cheeks. I tell you this not to frighten you, but to let you know whats going on. I didn't do anything, but I was close to. All the while, I was praying that someone would call me, that someone would be there and listen to me.

But no one did.

I cannot describe to you fully how awful the thoughts were that lingered in my mind. I wanted to throw myself off every building, every church spire, every roof. I wanted it all to end and I frankly didn't care what I left behind. I would be at peace and that was all that mattered. I'll admit, I wanted people to be sorry. That's wrong and selfish, but its the way I feel sometimes.

I finally sook out help from a friend who I knew would understand. I was fine, surely. But, I practically had a buzz on Monday. Every once and a while, I kept thinking about it. I wondered what people would think if they knew that last night I could have, and almost did mutilate myself.

I'm happy to report that I threw away the knife and I am seeking after God in the meadow that he showed me. Its a safe place where we meet, where i can be held, where I can say whatever I want to him. He showed it to me when I finally realized last Saturday that I'm angry with God for being so silent, so absent in my life. I'm sure he was there, but it hurt me that I didn't get much from him.

Life is tough and getting tougher, it feels. But, when I retreated to my meadow, I just told God everything that I could. It was a nice feeling. My mind was too everywhere to hear much from him. But, I felt sort of freed and at peace.

God is calling me, I've realized, to take one step at a time. I have a lot to sort through. But, if i look ahead and stress out over all of it, I'll stop moving. So, I'm just putting one foot in front of the other, taking shaky steps. It's given me a shred of hope, a little bit more to hold on to. And I'm thankful for that.

As I was searching Youtube today, I found this montage of clips from a version of Frankenstein. It had Helena Bohnam Carter in it, so I was instantly interested, since she is my favorite actress.

In it, she played Elizabeth, the fiance of Victor Frankenstein, and, in this version, the second creature that he creates. It struck me, quite simply, as Victor held Elizabeth and began to dance with her that he still loved her, her still saw her as beautiful even in her scarred, ugly state.




It just reminded me of God. He holds me close and dances with me, whispering comforting things in my ears. He loves my scars, I think, because they make me beautiful, which is, in an un-weird way, something I've always wanted.

So, here's to change. Here's to long walks on the beach and laying in the meadow. He res to scars, that seem to make us monsters but really make us wonderful.

Here's to life and however long God chooses for it to last.

Much love,
Josh.
This is a time for goodbyes
But I've had too many goodbyes of late
A lifetime of them to come
So I say nothing
A Great and Terrible Beauty,Libba Bray