The Doomed

Disclaimer:
So, I'm back with another short story type thing. This time, it is actually connected to a story that I've had in my head for a while. It is the tale of Elizabeth Frankenstien after she has been turned into a monster by her husband-to-be. She travels throughout Transylvania meeting up with classic gothic horror characters such as Dracula and Mr. Hyde. This story has been teeming in my head for a while, but it must wait along with two of my other stories that are nervously tapping their feet in the waiting room of my head. So, when I saw this picture, I flipped. It was so beautiful, so haunting, even in its...slight graphicness. So, if you faint at the sight of blood, do not look at the coming picture. But, yeah. I had to do something with this picture to tide myself over. So, yeah. Here it goes.


(All rights reserved to Bumblescutt, the artist. Found on deviantart.com.)

Drink me up, drink me up...

The blood called to her. But she could not let herself scumb to its siren song of lust and desire. She had to keep going.

The child in her arms wailed loudly, being only drown out by the sound of the rumbling thunder. Thunder... Her frightening eyes wandered through the forest and up to the castle not far off in the distance.

She knew what was happening up there. That wretched scientist enjoyed fooling around with the natural order of things. She hoped that he would die by lightning, considering that is how he brought life to the creatures he created. But he was the real monster.

"A monster like me..."She thought to herself. Temptation was a hard mistress to the girl that had never chosen the life of a blood drinker. It was placed upon her shoulders for one reason or another.

Her father, too, was a monster just like the scientist. He had wooed her mother, turned her into one of them and married her against her mortal will. Her mother bore a child from her mortal life and so it was that she was born, with her father's raven hair and her mother's beauty, which, because of her father, she would keep forever.

Immortality, she had learned quickly, was full of loss and lonliness, contrary to what most humans thought. For most of her life, she was locked away and taught that she was a monster, unacceptable, terrifying.

But she had rebelled. She escaped her father's grasp and the cold, dank, dark tower of Castle Dracula. And now, here she was, protecting a mortal child from the cold, cruel world around it.

The child shivered, and the vampire held it tigher to her chest, hoping to shield it from the cold winds which she could not feel.

"Sh...Sh..." She tried to quiet the child in vain. The forest raged around her, each tree dancing in the gale.

A scream erupted from the castle and it made the newborn cry even more. She clutched the baby and whispered comforting things to it. It was odd to her, that the immortal should be comforting the mortal, when it was the immortal that needed the comfort.

Lighting flashed, lighting up the fear in the vampire's eyes. Am I doomed to walk this Earth for enternity? A silent, absent tear rolled down her cheek.

Forever...is too long.

Fin.

So, there you have it? What did you think? I know it was kind of vauge, especially the child. But, I don't know why the child was there, or who it was. So, yeah. It was there. Maybe you can guess. I didn't name the vampire either, because I felt annyomity was good for the picture and this quick tale. So yeah, let me know what you think!

Of Black Swans

Disclaimer:
So this, just to give you some sort of idea, is the story of what happened after Swan Lake. Its a random idea, I know, but thats what it developed into. It follows the black swan and what you really don't know about her.It may end up being incredibly lame, and Mikeh will hate the picture so much. So, yeah. I apologize for both. Mikeh, try to stand it, okay? :P



Music starts playin like the end of a sad movie,
Its the kinda ending you don't really wanna see.
Cause its tragedy and it'll only bring you down,
Now I don't know what to be without you around.

And we know its never simple,
Never easy.
Never a clean break, no one here to save me.
You re the only thing I know like the back of my hand,
And I cant,
Breathe,
Without you,
But I have to,
Breathe,
Without you,
But I have to.

Breathe,Taylor Swift

I have always loved you...

My feet are flying under me. I cannot stop myself. I'm running from everything. From him. From them. From father. From me. Its taking all of me not to run out of my limits. My breath is heavy, and sweat is forming on my brow. My dark dress catches on one of the passing trees. I don't care. I allow it to tear.

Tearing like my heart. Tearing like my soul.

The memories are there, threatening to swallow me whole and never spit me out. I can't get his deadly smile out of my head and I can't forget the way he looked at me when he thought of I was her.

None of it matters any more.

Nothing means anything any more. I have nothing to go back to. No safe place to run. Home is out of the question. That place stopped being home a long time ago. Ever since father became obsessed with getting his way. Well...

The slits on my wrists are proof of the damage you've done.

I prompt myself to look, just for a moment at my forearm. The scars are nothing new and yet they still make me wince every time. They are memories of the past and every time, I can't help but think of it.

You can't save me.

My heart is beating; I feel as though I'm being followed. But father always had that sort of presence didn't he?

You've lost me.

I can't help but remember all the times when he yelled or beat me, just because I wasn't her. He hated me, he used me. He couldn't stand the sight of me.

"You look just like your mother."

The pain of the transformation was unbearable, at best. It was like all my childhood had gone away. All my hopes, my dreams, my happiness had just drifted away. Leaving me to be nothing more than an empty corpse.

"Will I be pretty daddy?"
"Pretty as the night."

Pretty as the night, ha. What a lie. I wasn't beautiful, and as far as I was concerned, I never would be. I was Odile, the horror-filled tragedy, the fairy-tale for children. I could imagine my story being told to the little ones before bed. And the parents would say. "Now, now, loves...We mustn't be like this, must we?" I would fade away, becoming nothing more than a tool to frighten children into submission.

Feathers as black as a cloudy sky.

Oh, no. He's coming back now. I had always loved him. From the first day I saw him, I did. His smile made my heart waver. His face was a face of the angels. I would watch him sometimes, from my dark tower. He would be there, in the courtyard of his castle practicing archery or swordsmanship. And he would laugh. That laugh...

If you would've asked, I would have ripped the heart out of my chest for you.

The way he smiled at me, during the ball. It was breathtaking, the way I always dreamed. He held me close and whispered things, the only problem was that he called me "Odette." I was reminded, as always, that he couldn't accept me for who I was. He loved me for her.

I can't be who you think I am. I cannot wear this mask.

Her...Odette, my twin. She was perfect in every way, wasn't she? She had the perfect hair, the perfect smile, the perfect everything. She was just right for him, for everyone. She just did everything perfect. While I, however, did not. I was the broken girl with two left feet, who seemed just to do everything wrong, all the time.

This is me. Can't you see that?

I reach the lake. Swan lake. How ironic. The place where it all began. Not too far, I can see the windows of the castle all lit up and can hear the happy music that its guests are celebrating to.

What a beautiful wedding...

But, its time. I cannot hold on any longer. I want him to be happy, even if its with her. They'd all be better off without a lonely, problematic girl to worry about.

Oh how inviting the black waters of death...

Without another thought, I plunge in, letting the cold water envelop me. I close my eyes, and drift into the darkness.

Goodbye, goodbye.

Fin.

So, what you think? That was my lame attempt at trying to describe some of the things I've been feeling as of late, but it sort of just drifted off into its own thing. Still, it twas a good venting tool.

Well, theres more to say, because there always is. But, that's enough for now, I think. I'll post later, in a couple days, with some thoughts and such.

Josh
How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand... there is no going back. There are some things that time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep, that have taken hold.
The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King, J,R.R. Tolkien

Loose Change

Let's face facts, life comes at you fast. Sometimes, its amazing how fast and its a wonderful things. Other times...not so much.

I guess, lately, I've just been realizing how quickly things can happen. I mean, this past...wow...half year(?) has been so different. It has changed me a lot, and, yet, not very much. Things are changing, and changing fast. I guess, sometimes change happens very slowly, but I think thats more our reactions to it. Change, in and of itself, happens very quickly.

Change scares me. I don't lie about that. I'm afraid of good and bad change, just because it causes discomfort, which I have enough of it in my life.

Really, though. Five or six months? Change has come. I mean, I'm not sure how its possible to get so attached and find so much love in just that short a time.

I have to stop. That scares the heck out of me. No lie. I'm terrified of loosing people now. I don't want to take off my mask. Because all of me...its too much. Theres so much that I'm hiding. So much pain. So much life thats been pushed down for so long. So much fear. So much worry. And I don't want people to run from that, because every time I let just a little bit out its like I get these stares from people and it hurts. It hurts to let go sometimes, so I clutch. I don't let go.

I'm not sure how one person can be so complicated and confusing.

Know what I want? I want to be venerable and honest and just me. But, that requires trust and I'm no good at trusting or surrendering.

I see who I want to become and I wonder if I'll ever become that. I want to be a Leslie Burke for everyone. Don't know who Leslie is? Freaking watch and read "Bridge to Terabithia" its awesome. Leslie is so full of life and love and magic and she just...doesn't care. Thats something I've always wanted.

I want people to come to my funeral and I want them all to have a story to tell. I want them all to say that I helped bring them back to life, I helped them to just love again. God, I want that. I want that so much. But...I can't be that some days. I can't be strong, because I'm not. I'm tired of carrying so much burdens and just fighting for sixteen years on my own strength.

Every time I stand up, I fall again.

But, thats probably what I want. I think I like being miserable, because its all I know. Please just pray. Just pray. I'm so tired. I don't know how to change or where to begin and I'm frightened that now will be like every other time. I'll want to alive again, and I try but then I get knocked down and can't get up again.

I want to just feel again. But, feelings are frightening. They lay you bare for all to see.

Why...? Why am I so afraid of letting people see my scars? Why am I so afraid of people rejecting me for the monsters I face everyday?

I don't even know anymore. I don't.

Christmas time confuses me. I used to love it. It used to never come soon enough and used to just be so magical. I mean, I can't lie, Christmas eve? Best night ever. So full of hope and magic and excitement.

And now, I'm nothing but an empty shell just because I'm scared, frightened. Please just pray that I'd be released from this and that I'd get my feelings, my hope, my wonder back.

Well, happy holidays! I don't know when I'll write again, but we'll see. Probably not before Christmas. So, have an amazing Christmas Eve and Christmas. May this year bring you lots of love, laughter and magic.

Because we all know this world is made of faith, trust and pixie dust.

Josh

I'll try
I'll try
To fly
I'll try- Jonatha Brooke

Two songs you must, must, must, listen to. Must.

Celine Dion- Taking Chances: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=86HprqVxumw&feature=related

Jonatha Brooke- I'll Try (one of my theme songs): http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=PZQEIXn-pko

A New Hope, A Broken Beauty

So, it's been a while I realize. A lot of things have been going on in my life.

Sunday night, I got the closest I have ever been to killing/hurting myself. Like, I had the knife in my hand as the tears were cascading down my cheeks. I tell you this not to frighten you, but to let you know whats going on. I didn't do anything, but I was close to. All the while, I was praying that someone would call me, that someone would be there and listen to me.

But no one did.

I cannot describe to you fully how awful the thoughts were that lingered in my mind. I wanted to throw myself off every building, every church spire, every roof. I wanted it all to end and I frankly didn't care what I left behind. I would be at peace and that was all that mattered. I'll admit, I wanted people to be sorry. That's wrong and selfish, but its the way I feel sometimes.

I finally sook out help from a friend who I knew would understand. I was fine, surely. But, I practically had a buzz on Monday. Every once and a while, I kept thinking about it. I wondered what people would think if they knew that last night I could have, and almost did mutilate myself.

I'm happy to report that I threw away the knife and I am seeking after God in the meadow that he showed me. Its a safe place where we meet, where i can be held, where I can say whatever I want to him. He showed it to me when I finally realized last Saturday that I'm angry with God for being so silent, so absent in my life. I'm sure he was there, but it hurt me that I didn't get much from him.

Life is tough and getting tougher, it feels. But, when I retreated to my meadow, I just told God everything that I could. It was a nice feeling. My mind was too everywhere to hear much from him. But, I felt sort of freed and at peace.

God is calling me, I've realized, to take one step at a time. I have a lot to sort through. But, if i look ahead and stress out over all of it, I'll stop moving. So, I'm just putting one foot in front of the other, taking shaky steps. It's given me a shred of hope, a little bit more to hold on to. And I'm thankful for that.

As I was searching Youtube today, I found this montage of clips from a version of Frankenstein. It had Helena Bohnam Carter in it, so I was instantly interested, since she is my favorite actress.

In it, she played Elizabeth, the fiance of Victor Frankenstein, and, in this version, the second creature that he creates. It struck me, quite simply, as Victor held Elizabeth and began to dance with her that he still loved her, her still saw her as beautiful even in her scarred, ugly state.




It just reminded me of God. He holds me close and dances with me, whispering comforting things in my ears. He loves my scars, I think, because they make me beautiful, which is, in an un-weird way, something I've always wanted.

So, here's to change. Here's to long walks on the beach and laying in the meadow. He res to scars, that seem to make us monsters but really make us wonderful.

Here's to life and however long God chooses for it to last.

Much love,
Josh.
This is a time for goodbyes
But I've had too many goodbyes of late
A lifetime of them to come
So I say nothing
A Great and Terrible Beauty,Libba Bray

Hold me together

As this Christmas season comes, I can't help but hear that song "Breath of Heaven." I used to hate that song, but dangggg, those lyrics are powerful. Check it:

I have traveled many moonless nights,
Cold and weary with a babe inside,
And i wonder what i've done.
Holy father you have come,
And chosen me now to carry your son.

I am waiting in a silent prayer.
I am frightened by the load i bear.
In a world as cold as stone,
Must i walk this path alone?
Be with me now.
Be with me now.

Breath of heaven,
Hold me together,
Be forever near me,
Breath of heaven.
Breath of heaven,
Lighten my darkness,
Pour over me your holiness,
For you are holy.
Breath of heaven.

Do you wonder as you watch my face,
If a wiser one should have had my place,
But i offer all i am
For the mercy of your plan.
Help me be strong.
Help me be.
Help me.

Breath of heaven,
Hold me together,
Be forever near me,
Breath of heaven.
Breath of heaven,
Lighten my darkness,
Pour over me your holiness,
For you are holy.

Aren't those powerful? They make me wonder what kind of a girl Mary was. I mean, she was young. Like 16, I think? She was young. What was she like though? I imagine that she was an outsider. She was probably really pretty, with olive tones to her skin and shy eyelashes that she hid under. I think she had long, wavy black hair and probably just let it go that way.

But, something makes me confident that, no matter how she looked, she was not really accepted or notice. Why? Because God choose her. He wouldn't have chosen the head cheerleader or the prettiest girl in town. He chose Mary, instead.

I just wonder why...

I heard a quote, from Heroes actually, that reminded me of my own life and of what Mary's life was like. "I am never going to change. Neither are you. Because we're both just damaged goods." I don't agree with the first part, but I sure do with the last.

We are all damaged goods. And the sooner we accept that, and are honest with ourselves and others about it, the sooner we can be healed.

I wonder what Mary's biggest sin was. I wonder if she had lots of friends or if she was noticed. For some reason, I could see her being really quiet or really invisible as she walked through her village.

Well, more coming later. See ya!

Josh
Why did I do it?
What did it get me?
Scrapbooks full of me in the background
-Rose's Turn, Gypsy

Days of our Days

So, me and the Mikester were catting it up last night when we just randomly started this. It was uber fun. :] And uber random.
P.S. I'm QudditchxKid.
P.P.S. I did NOT decide Baby's name. That was Mikeh's doin. Just know that Lebron calls everyone baby. haha. :P

Welcome back to days of our days. We follow Lebron and Baby, two star-crossed lovers that may not be so star-crossed after all...
(12:36:00 AM) me: I SHOULDN'T HAVE LEFT YOU BABY
(12:36:00 AM) QudditchxKid: OR IS IT?
(12:36:02 AM) QudditchxKid: O.O
(12:36:03 AM) me: :P
(12:36:06 AM) QudditchxKid: Not again, Mikeh.
(12:36:11 AM) QudditchxKid: NEVER again!
(12:36:14 AM) me: haha
(12:36:16 AM) QudditchxKid: I've been hurt too many times!
(12:36:23 AM) QudditchxKid: *cue soap opera music*
(12:36:30 AM) me: *gasp*
(12:36:37 AM) me: Lebron! I never knew you had that scar! Was it a knife wound?
(12:36:50 AM) QudditchxKid: No, baby....It was A HEART WOUND!
(12:36:55 AM) QudditchxKid: *dun-dundunnnnnn!*
(12:37:14 AM) QudditchxKid: She took that knife and stuck it in me, breaking my heart in the process!
(12:37:18 AM) QudditchxKid: Never again, baby.
(12:37:20 AM) QudditchxKid: Neva.
(12:37:21 AM) me: *le-gasp*
(12:37:38 AM) me: Lebron! lets make hot sexy love right now. or forever leave me. I can't take your teasing spirit. it's too mcuh
(12:37:40 AM) me: *much
(12:37:46 AM) me: *sexy music cue*
(12:37:53 AM) QudditchxKid: Baby, I don't make love to anyone.
(12:38:03 AM) QudditchxKid: Only Jesus can kiss ME on the nose.
(12:38:12 AM) QudditchxKid: *crosses arms*
(12:38:23 AM) me: *shoots you* you shouldn't have teased my spirit baby!
(12:38:24 AM) me: the end
(12:38:25 AM) me: no more
(12:38:27 AM) me: :P
(12:38:49 AM) QudditchxKid: *And then Lebron magically rises from the dead because he's really part of the hit Tv show Heroes!*
(12:38:55 AM) QudditchxKid: Baby, you shouldn't have done that.
(12:38:57 AM) me: hahaha
(12:39:05 AM) QudditchxKid: And you shouldn't keep a gun in yo back pocket.
(12:39:15 AM) QudditchxKid: You've made ol Lebron very angry.
(12:39:35 AM) me: *But little does Lebron know, Baby, as he calls her, has a father who can take away super powers. He emerges in the room*
(12:39:46 AM) me: Son, I think you should give my Baby here a second chance.
(12:39:48 AM) me: Or else...
(12:39:52 AM) me: *He walks up to him*
(12:39:55 AM) me: are we clear?
(12:40:06 AM) me: *Lebron has yet to learn of the power he has to take powers by touch*(12:40:08 AM) QudditchxKid: Like a window, baby.
(12:40:21 AM) me: Now give me a hug
(12:40:28 AM) QudditchxKid: NEVA!
(12:40:29 AM) me: *opens arms*
(12:40:37 AM) QudditchxKid: Lebran don't give no hugs!
(12:40:48 AM) me: Shake my hand then *offers hand*
(12:41:02 AM) me: *Baby snickers in the corner*
(12:41:28 AM) QudditchxKid: I don't shake hands with Baby's father.
(12:41:56 AM) me: *Baby's father is furious. He prepares to take a swing at Lebron*
(12:42:06 AM) QudditchxKid: OH NO YOU DIN'T!
(12:42:21 AM) QudditchxKid: No one slaps, Lebron.
(12:42:30 AM) me: *Right before he hits him, he notices something on Lebron's neck... A birth mark*
(12:42:46 AM) me: I know that mark! It's only given to my father's clan... that means... you're... BABY'S UNCLE
(12:42:56 AM) QudditchxKid: DUN-DUN-DUNNNN!
(12:43:08 AM) QudditchxKid: And know what else? I'M YO MOMMA!
(12:43:10 AM) QudditchxKid: MAHAHAH!
(12:43:13 AM) me: wait wait wait
(12:43:16 AM) me: I have a good plot coming
(12:43:16 AM) me: shush
(12:43:20 AM) QudditchxKid: *pulls of mask to be revealed as....his momma!*
(12:43:25 AM) QudditchxKid: okay.
(12:43:25 AM) me: cut cut cut
(12:43:27 AM) me: back to script!!
(12:43:28 AM) QudditchxKid: Silence.
(12:43:29 AM) QudditchxKid: haha
(12:43:46 AM) me: *Baby's father looks at Baby, still talking to Lebron*
(12:44:29 AM) me: And I never admitted it to Baby... but I hated her mother. in fact, we never had sex. But she was very close with a certain brother of mine, I was never sure which. But I guess it was you. Which means. LEBRON IS BABY'S FATHER.
(12:44:52 AM) QudditchxKid: OH Nu-uhhhh!
(12:45:26 AM) QudditchxKid: OH NO I DIn't!
(12:45:54 AM) QudditchxKid: Er...Oh no I din't!
(12:45:57 AM) QudditchxKid: hahaah.
(12:45:59 AM) QudditchxKid: Wow...
(12:46:07 AM) me: I'm afraid you did. You're her real father. as for me. I am your father... I dated your mother, which was also my mother, coincidentally. but my second mother that my father married afterwards. so Lebron. I am your father
(12:46:19 AM) QudditchxKid: ....Whattt?
(12:46:22 AM) QudditchxKid: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
(12:46:26 AM) QudditchxKid: *jjumps out awindow*
(12:47:03 AM) me: *little did Lebron know, Baby's adoptive father had touched his cheek, and stolen his power. the jump from the window killed him. Baby and her adoptive father lived happily ever after. The End*
(12:47:10 AM) QudditchxKid: GOODBYE CRUEL WORLDDDD!
(12:47:16 AM) QudditchxKid: AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
(12:47:19 AM) QudditchxKid: *splat*
(12:47:22 AM) me: We will return to you with more "Days of our Days" in just a moment.

Josh
I cut his hair myself one night
With a pair of dull sissors
And a yellow light
And he told me that I done alright
Sampson, Regina Spektor

Thanksgiving, Stalker Santa and being Fearless

So, it's been a while. And I know I haven't written in a while, so I sorry.

Thanksgiving is coming and golly gee wilkers, am I glad. Thanksgiving, in case you don't know, is my favorite holiday. To be honest, it's amazing because you don't have to give gifts to anyone, you get to eat lots of foot and you get to watch the Macy's day parade and just be with people that you love.

I think that Thanksgiving is the only holiday that doesn't need a specific weather. For instance: Christmas needs snow. I don't care if its just a little flurry or a blizzard. Snow is essential. Halloween needs to be hauntingly clear with a few clouds to pass over the moon now and then. Easter needs to be a bright, clear spring day. Always. Thanksgiving works with everything! How awesome is that?

Besides that, I feel that Christmas is one of my least favorites. Well, I guess I do like it. I LOVE Christmas Eve. It used to be so magical and perfect. But, more about that nearer to Christmas. I love hanging with the family and exchanging gifts, but, to be honest, I don't think that Christmas is very calm. It's not, I think, how God wants it to be. He wants us to celebrate his son's birthday and, its sort of ours too. It's sort of like hope's birthday. We get to celebrate hope and love and being saved.

However, I feel that Christmas's mascot is horribly flawed. Come on now, the best thing you could think of was a fat, old man? Okay, that sounds harsh. But, to give you my reasons, I have decided to compile a list of why Santa should not be the mascot:

1. Santa is a stalker. No lie, he knows how bad or good you've been. That means, he has people monitoring you day and night. Who wants presents from a guy like that, huh?

2. Santa is a slave driver. This is true. Think of all those elves that are enslaved to make our gifts every year! And, besides that, they are forced to be happy and sing. I bet you, if you're bad and don't sing, they take you out of the line and take you to a room where they strap you to a hospital gurney and run tests on you. Then they stick something into your bloodstream to make you happy all the time! How awful is that? Poor elves...

3. Santa routinely breaks and enters. Guys, how is Santa even in business? He breaks into our houses and eats us out of house and home! Just cause he leaves gifts doesn't mean that it makes it okay. Who's to say he doesn't take some of our stuff or come in with a gun? Honestly, the police should have shut him down years a go. But, they can't. Cause then they'd be on the naughty list. Which brings me to my next point:

4. Santa uses fear to control us. He feeds off of fear, I think. Which is why he is so large round the middle.

5. Santa uses derogatory terms. Who likes a man who goes a round laughing as he uses derogatory terms for females. This is not okay people.

6. Santa wants to take over the world. So, I suppose theres no proof for this. But rumor has it that Santa is developing a weapon that will freeze over the whole world and leave us at his will. He'll take over the world and bring in a new Ice Age.

7. Santa is a maniac. Thats all there is to it.

8. Santa is very close to the name Satan. Coincidence? I THINK NOT!

So, there you go. haha. Those are my reasons. There are hundreds more, I'm sure.

Other than that, I'm sure theres so much I could say. Life is good. But, it's still rough. It has its moments.

On a side note, might I mention how much I love Taylor Swift? I'm listening to her new album Fearless, at the moment. And I love it. I love her style and the fact that she just sings about life and love and dancing in the rain and stuff like that. Its good. If I ever became a singer, I would probably sing songs like her, except they'd probably be morbidly mixed with Evanescence or something. haha

Well, that's all for now. I'll try and post more, with smaller posts. Have a great Thanksgiving!

Josh

In this moment now
Capture it
Remember it
Taylor Swift, Fearless

He loves me

So, I have returned.

My gosh, was that one heck of a journey. Fall Weekend was an experience, thats for sure. All my worries were relieved and I was left to the cold weather and searching my heart. It was really, really great. I'm not sure if God really spoke to me much, but I figure that it's something I'll learn over time.

The last night, Saturday, we had a time of prayer for those who needed it. My friend Kayla pulled me aside and started to pray with me and talk through some things with me. Before I knew it, I was sobbing. My hands were uber tingly and I really had no idea what was going on. I felt hands on me, and I just let some of my feelings of hopelessness and fear out. I was sobbing hard soon, just letting out deep pain and scars that I had been holding in for so many years. It felt good.

Julie, a best friend of mine for some time, just held me and told me so many things. Before I knew it, it hit me. I was crying and laughing, saying: "He loves me! He loves me!"

Don't we take the fact for granted sometimes? I mean, honestly, we should be so passionate about the fact that HE loves us! Thats such a beautiful, wonderful thing.

A few words slipped out of my mouth and they went something like this: "If this is what being broken feels like, then I don't ever want to be fixed. I've been trying so hard to fill my life with other things. And the fact is, I need him; And thats a beautiful thing."

It was a great night. I had so many friends around me, people that I will never forget. They were there, and I'm so thankful.

This weekend was really only the beginning, just the tip of the iceberg, really, in a much, much bigger journey. I know God meant for me to be on this trip, to see certain things that he revealed to me.

So, thank you for your prayers. They were much needed. Really, the worst part was how freezing cold it was!

But, overall (there was so much great stuff!) it was a wonderful weekend.

Well, I'm off for now. More later, of course.

Josh

I can sing in the troubled times
Sing when I win
I can sing when I lose my step
And fall down again
I can sing 'cause You pick me up
Sing 'cause You're there
I can sing 'cause You hear me, Lord
When I call to You in prayer
I can sing with my last breath
Sing for I know
That I'll sing with the angels
And the saints around the throne
- Chris Tomlin

A New Prez

So, for my first post I'm going to address something that I feel I simply must: Barack Obama. He's our new president and I'm fine with that. But last night, when he was announced president, I was on facebook. And let me tell you, the Christian facebookers were sqirming. Almost everyone had a status update about how angry/terrified they were, yada yada yada.

Do you know how much that breaks my heart? The simple fact that a man can scare the people of God so much is not alright. People are treating it as though it was the end of the world. But, it's not.

This is a human being, a mortal. And we're all running for cover. And yet, the book of Luke tells us never to fear man, because all he can do is kill us. But we serve and love a God so much bigger than puny Barack Obama.

Another thing is, Barack Obama is not the Antichrist (queue gasps from audience). Yep. It's true. How do I know this? Two ways: One, in the Bible it says that the antichrist will come out of Rome. Barack's most certainly not from Rome. Secondly, I read a note on facebook from someone who we would probably consider a modern prophesier. They said that Barack might do some awful things, but that the end wouldn't come yet and we'd get out of this wealth rut we're in.

Now I'm not sure how much I believe about that, but I do believe that we can all make it through this, no matter how many of our rights Obama takes away, if any.

To be honest, I don't know much about him. I've heard so many mixed messages. Some say he's a saint, while others the antichrist. But, I know this: He has a family, which means that he's got to have some sort of morals and at least a little bit of conscience.

For the first time in my life, I feel at peace. I don't trust Obama, or the government. But, for once, I'm not afraid of them. Whatever they dish out, I'm willing to counter and stand up against. I've never felt like this before.

Of course, that's easier said than done. And it's hard for me to keep my cool when the Christians around me are running helter skelter like chickens with their heads cut off.

Honestly people, trust God! Have you learned nothing?! He is our rock, our deliverer. Yes, these are scary times but, I just feel like we'll all come out of these four years stronger. We may be different or have less rights, but I am not afraid. I know that the end will come later. If may be in my lifetime (I certainly hope not) and then again in may not.

But, I trust Him. And if I, a guy who is just starting to get to know God better, can do that. So can you.

Well, that's all I have to say about that. Ah. It feels good to let that out. I'm almost on the verge of not signing into Facebook for a few days until everyone calms down a little bit.

In other news, I feel like I'm being given an ultimatium at the moment. I'm stuck between the church I've been going to for years and this new church, where I feel that I fit better. I love the people at the church I'm at now, but I don't feel very connected with many of the people that go to the youth group.

I got busy, what with lots of homework and such, and stopped going to church activites and such. I expected to hear a barrage of "where have you been's" and "why haven't you been to youth group in a while's."

Instead, I got nothing. Silence.

A little bit before this, I had signed up for a retreat and I had hoped for the best. The retreat is this weekend and I was told that the people who had been praying about it had said that they felt that God would use this as a time to bring back passion and that something big would happen.

So, on a spur, I signed up. I am not very good with retreats and I'll explain why later. But I did it, thinking that it would do me some good.

In two months I went from being active in my youth group and not at all. Within these two months, I have had a the pleasure of meeting the Evans family, who have really shown my so much and grown so dear and important to me in my heart. They told me that they were a part of the Vineyard and I got interested.

I knew the vineyard and was friends with several people that went (a lot of these people have been the most honest, loving friends who I can really see are seeking after Christ). I knew they did SOS and Fall Weekend and how many people had been so changed through that.

My mom suggested visiting, because I knew so many people there and I thought this would be really great. The vineyard was a place where I knew people were changed, passionate and really doing something about the world around them (not that my other church wasn't).

I went and had a great time. It was a little awkward for me, but still really great. The worship service was inspiring and I really felt that this was a place where I might be needed and wanted, unlike my old youth group.

Thats when the youth group leader started to talk about Fall Weekend, a retreat this weekend. I was asked a ton of times if I was going and really felt that if I was going to go to a retreat, I might go to one where I felt wanted, even though I'm still not comfortable with retreats.

My mom signed me up and told my youth group leader that something had come up.

Yesterday, it all blew up in my face.

My youth group leader called and was asking my mom why I wasn't coming. She took about an hour to explain all of this to him and finally help him to understand that we weren't making a decision between churches yet, but we were just wanting to try out the vineyard.

At the same time, a mentor of mine who goes to my church calls me and starts asking me why I'm not going. It turned into a two hour long conversation. I guess, I wanted people to want me there but this seems sort of ridicious. I always wanted attention and wanted to impress everyone there, but lets face it...I never fit in there and its not healthy for me to keep striving after their attention and approval.

So, I'm going to Fall Weekend but not deciding on churches yet. I'm really nervous about the retreat, because I've had a lot of bad experiences with them. These reasons may sound stupid, but this is how I feel: I don't like being pranked. I don't like sleeping in a huge room with a ton of other guys, it can just get awkard. I don't like being forced to play sports that I'm not good at and making a fool of myself in the process.

I'm really nervous and would love some prayer in this area. Just pray that God would help me to feel comfortable and teach me a lot.

Well, thats all for now. Leave lots of comments and let me know what you think! See ya!

Josh

The Crossroads

I stand at a crossroad as the wind blows through my hair, touching the sweat on my brow. My eyes search warily at the two roads and I let out a heavy sigh. I'm tired and worn out from a long journey, my legs are shaky and I can barely keep awake.

"Decisions, decisions," I murmurer to myself, trying to shoo away the voices in my head that are telling me to give up and let go. After all, it would be so much easier to go with the flow.

But that is not who I am, I remind myself.

I weigh my options slowly: the paved, easy path road or the narrow, jagged one. I sit down on a large rock and run a hand against my forehead, ridding it of sweat. I know the answer to this; it is one I've been taught since the day I entered this cold world.

The devil inside of me chuckles. "Which one, which one? Hurry, hurry. Not much time left." I can tell he's smiling. He knows how weak I am, he knows how much I want to give up. "You've been fighting for so long," underneath the sympathetic voice, I can tell he's mocking me, scoffing at me. He's smart and he knows it. "Why not just...give up?"

"No, I can't." I mutter; I've made my decision, no matter how weak I am. "Must. Keep. Fighting."

He laughs. "You know you can't escape me."

I try and ignore him; who needs him, right? But I know he's still around. I stand up wearily and make my way towards the path road on the right; the hard one.

It doesn't look promising, but I'll just take my time. Step by step, I remind myself.

Life is a journey. All we must do, is put one foot in front of the other.

---

Hey there!

Welcome to The 365 Experience: One guy's journey to getting to know God better in one year. I'm Josh, your host. I'm sixteen, homeschooled and probably pretty different from anything that you're used to.

This place is where I'll be haunting for the next year and when its finished, I'll probably start a new one. It's a place where thoughts, ramblings and rants will be placed. I'll keep you as updated as possible.

So. This post marks the beginning of a, hopefully, successful journey through life. Around this time next year, it will end.

I hope you'll come join with me on this and I'd love to hear what you think.

And here, it begins.