Loose Change

Let's face facts, life comes at you fast. Sometimes, its amazing how fast and its a wonderful things. Other times...not so much.

I guess, lately, I've just been realizing how quickly things can happen. I mean, this past...wow...half year(?) has been so different. It has changed me a lot, and, yet, not very much. Things are changing, and changing fast. I guess, sometimes change happens very slowly, but I think thats more our reactions to it. Change, in and of itself, happens very quickly.

Change scares me. I don't lie about that. I'm afraid of good and bad change, just because it causes discomfort, which I have enough of it in my life.

Really, though. Five or six months? Change has come. I mean, I'm not sure how its possible to get so attached and find so much love in just that short a time.

I have to stop. That scares the heck out of me. No lie. I'm terrified of loosing people now. I don't want to take off my mask. Because all of me...its too much. Theres so much that I'm hiding. So much pain. So much life thats been pushed down for so long. So much fear. So much worry. And I don't want people to run from that, because every time I let just a little bit out its like I get these stares from people and it hurts. It hurts to let go sometimes, so I clutch. I don't let go.

I'm not sure how one person can be so complicated and confusing.

Know what I want? I want to be venerable and honest and just me. But, that requires trust and I'm no good at trusting or surrendering.

I see who I want to become and I wonder if I'll ever become that. I want to be a Leslie Burke for everyone. Don't know who Leslie is? Freaking watch and read "Bridge to Terabithia" its awesome. Leslie is so full of life and love and magic and she just...doesn't care. Thats something I've always wanted.

I want people to come to my funeral and I want them all to have a story to tell. I want them all to say that I helped bring them back to life, I helped them to just love again. God, I want that. I want that so much. But...I can't be that some days. I can't be strong, because I'm not. I'm tired of carrying so much burdens and just fighting for sixteen years on my own strength.

Every time I stand up, I fall again.

But, thats probably what I want. I think I like being miserable, because its all I know. Please just pray. Just pray. I'm so tired. I don't know how to change or where to begin and I'm frightened that now will be like every other time. I'll want to alive again, and I try but then I get knocked down and can't get up again.

I want to just feel again. But, feelings are frightening. They lay you bare for all to see.

Why...? Why am I so afraid of letting people see my scars? Why am I so afraid of people rejecting me for the monsters I face everyday?

I don't even know anymore. I don't.

Christmas time confuses me. I used to love it. It used to never come soon enough and used to just be so magical. I mean, I can't lie, Christmas eve? Best night ever. So full of hope and magic and excitement.

And now, I'm nothing but an empty shell just because I'm scared, frightened. Please just pray that I'd be released from this and that I'd get my feelings, my hope, my wonder back.

Well, happy holidays! I don't know when I'll write again, but we'll see. Probably not before Christmas. So, have an amazing Christmas Eve and Christmas. May this year bring you lots of love, laughter and magic.

Because we all know this world is made of faith, trust and pixie dust.

Josh

I'll try
I'll try
To fly
I'll try- Jonatha Brooke

Two songs you must, must, must, listen to. Must.

Celine Dion- Taking Chances: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=86HprqVxumw&feature=related

Jonatha Brooke- I'll Try (one of my theme songs): http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=PZQEIXn-pko