Sunday night, I got the closest I have ever been to killing/hurting myself. Like, I had the knife in my hand as the tears were cascading down my cheeks. I tell you this not to frighten you, but to let you know whats going on. I didn't do anything, but I was close to. All the while, I was praying that someone would call me, that someone would be there and listen to me.
But no one did.
I cannot describe to you fully how awful the thoughts were that lingered in my mind. I wanted to throw myself off every building, every church spire, every roof. I wanted it all to end and I frankly didn't care what I left behind. I would be at peace and that was all that mattered. I'll admit, I wanted people to be sorry. That's wrong and selfish, but its the way I feel sometimes.
I finally sook out help from a friend who I knew would understand. I was fine, surely. But, I practically had a buzz on Monday. Every once and a while, I kept thinking about it. I wondered what people would think if they knew that last night I could have, and almost did mutilate myself.
I'm happy to report that I threw away the knife and I am seeking after God in the meadow that he showed me. Its a safe place where we meet, where i can be held, where I can say whatever I want to him. He showed it to me when I finally realized last Saturday that I'm angry with God for being so silent, so absent in my life. I'm sure he was there, but it hurt me that I didn't get much from him.
Life is tough and getting tougher, it feels. But, when I retreated to my meadow, I just told God everything that I could. It was a nice feeling. My mind was too everywhere to hear much from him. But, I felt sort of freed and at peace.
God is calling me, I've realized, to take one step at a time. I have a lot to sort through. But, if i look ahead and stress out over all of it, I'll stop moving. So, I'm just putting one foot in front of the other, taking shaky steps. It's given me a shred of hope, a little bit more to hold on to. And I'm thankful for that.
As I was searching Youtube today, I found this montage of clips from a version of Frankenstein. It had Helena Bohnam Carter in it, so I was instantly interested, since she is my favorite actress.
In it, she played Elizabeth, the fiance of Victor Frankenstein, and, in this version, the second creature that he creates. It struck me, quite simply, as Victor held Elizabeth and began to dance with her that he still loved her, her still saw her as beautiful even in her scarred, ugly state.
It just reminded me of God. He holds me close and dances with me, whispering comforting things in my ears. He loves my scars, I think, because they make me beautiful, which is, in an un-weird way, something I've always wanted.
So, here's to change. Here's to long walks on the beach and laying in the meadow. He res to scars, that seem to make us monsters but really make us wonderful.
Here's to life and however long God chooses for it to last.
Much love,
Josh.
This is a time for goodbyes
But I've had too many goodbyes of late
A lifetime of them to come
So I say nothing
A Great and Terrible Beauty,Libba Bray
3 comments:
Josh, this is a beautiful, raw, hopeful, real psalm worthy prose, gut-level, honest expression of your beautiful soul.
I think we all feel a little, or if we're just as self aware and honest, a lot like Helena's character. I know I have felt that way especially since the literal mutilation of my body, life and self with this cancer.
I am so thankful that you, too, can see through the pain and spiral upward in your thoughts to God, like David did in his Psalms. Like I try to as well. God can totally take anything we have to throw at Him in the midst of our suffering and striving after Him.
Cease striving and know that He is God. And, know that to know Him, to really know Him, is to share in His sufferings, so as to share in His resurrection. These are Scripture and not my words. But they are also my hope.
The Bible also says that Jesus was perfected in/through His sufferings; I think that happens with us, too. How could it not, since we follow in His footsteps. Not that we inflict suffering upon ourselves. It's just in the way as we walk through this world where we are in but not of.
I am so glad you did not hurt yourself. Please don't ever do that. You are so loved. Always reach out like you did, to God. But also know your parents adore you and are there, and so are your amazing group of friends, and so am I.
Keep after this 365 experience. And I know it won't stop there. I pray for you lots and am with you on your journey, cheering you along.
Love,
Mrs. E
Joshy boy, just wanted to write a quick note before I head off to bed. I'm glad to hear you got rid of that knife, it was the right thing to do. You can't always count on a divine intervention in the way of a phone call when you are feeling like that, sometimes you gotta reach out. You know you can call me any time day or night and I will help you through anything, even if it means driving out there just to sit with you. You're a wonderful friend and if you're hurting, I'm hurting. Okay, I gotta get to sleep...back to work at 3. Love you and talk to ya when I get off work!
Josh, the first half of this breaks my heart in a sorrowful way. The second, breaks my heart, in a joyful way. I'm so sorry I was at small group during all that, and I wish you had come to it :(
But that realisation that we're all so scarred, but beautiful, is, well, beautiful. And analogies like that are always amazing. I love that you can feel beautiful in God's presence, because you truly are, and that's exactly how he views you, scars and all.
I love you Josh! Please do call me no matter what time it is if you're ever needing anything. I can't sleep through my ringtone :P so you should be all good!
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